2008 parenting resolutions

Lorraine Thomas is the chief executive of the Parent Coaching Academy (www.theparentcoachingacademy.com) and author of The 7-Day Parent Coach (Vermilion), Get A Life (Hodder Arnold) and Feel Good Not Guilty About Being A Working Mum (Amazing).

Dr Pat Spungin is a former lecturer in child psychology and founder of influential parenting website www.raisingkids.co.uk

RESOLUTION:

I will spend more time at home with my children.

"We know that children and parents value time with each other, and in an ideal world we would have all the time in the world for our kids.

"There are all sorts of pressures on us whether it be work, chores, caring for elderly relatives... the list goes on. Rather than make a resolution that will only make you feel guilty, think about quality time with the children rather than quantity if you are not at home with them all the time.

"An alternative would be to make a New Year's resolution to get to know your children better, what they like from music to hobbies and give them some of your quality time to do something they enjoy."

Sue Ormesher

"Time spent together increases a child's sense of security since the parent is present and involved. It's an opportunity to read, play and communicate with children, which is good for their education and social development. Children grow up fast and increasingly, time in the house is spent in their rooms or with electronic games and toys, so face to face conversation is less common than it used to be. Enjoy the time you have with your children." Pat Spungin

RESOLUTION:

I will prepare fresh, healthy meals, and not give my kids convenience foods.

"What children learn to eat at home, will not only make them healthier in the long term it will also teach them about what good food is. By involving them in food preparation, parents can also pass on basic culinary skills. But parents should not beat themselves up if they cannot achieve this goal everyday, as long as their child's overall diet is low in fat, salt and sugar they are on the right track. When buying convenience food watch the recommended GDA (daily allowances) or the Food Standards Agency traffic light system on food." Pat Spungin

RESOLUTION:

I will improve my child's behaviour.

"You can't wave a magic wand over your child and make them behave - but you can change the way you behave and respond to them.

"If you shout and stamp your feet to get what you want, that's what they'll learn to do, too. If you are calm and in control in challenging situations, they're much more likely to be.

"Children want your attention - so give it to them for the right reasons, not the wrong ones. Instead of nagging them, go out of your way to catch your child red-handed' behaving well and praise them for it.

"Instead of telling them what you don't want them to do, explain what you do want them to do."

Children process positives much more easily than negatives. If your child responds well to star charts or stickers, use them. "Always be consistent. And commit to getting through the next 24 hours saying yes' more often than no', smiling more often than you frown - and catch yourself red-handed', at least once being a fun' mum not a frantic one." Lorraine Thomas

RESOLUTION:

I will reduce the amount of time my child spends indoors watching television or playing computer games.

"Good idea. Even better, if parents themselves get out and about and exercise more. They will be setting a good example, getting fitter themselves in the process and spending quality time with their children." Pat Spungin

"Work out how much screen time your children have now (most parents are quite shocked when they work this out as the hours soon mount up). Decide how much screen time you want your children to have - and when you want them to have it. Even if you're reducing the screen time by 15 minutes a day, it's a step in the right direction. Set yourself some simple TV/computer house rules and present them to your children positively. Then stick to your guns and be consistent. Lots of parents find it helpful to keep the time before mealtimes and bedtimes TV-free."

Lorraine Thomas

RESOLUTION:

I will stop my teenager from staying out late and hanging around with the wrong crowd.

"We all want the best for our children and parents can feel frustrated when their teen's friends have more of an influence than they do.

"How you handle this resolution is crucial to its success. Laying down the law if your teen is already staying out late and hanging around with the wrong' crowd may make matters worse.

"Try making a New Year's resolution to improve your relationship with your teen and find new ways of communicating with them. You may need to think of ways to compromise, and ensure you reinforce the message that you love them and care about their future - whilst it may not feel like it, they do need to hear you say it." Sue Ormesher

"Be as non-judgemental as possible about their behaviour and try to be tolerant about experimental behaviour. It's normal and natural. If you are worried about what your teenager is doing, find out what has happened and why. This is more important than imposing sanctions.

"Talk to them when you're calm and in control, and it's best to avoid a formal summit. Good communication is all about building good relationships. Think about things you and your teenager could do together that you both enjoy.

"Encourage them to spend time at your home with their friends. Make it the kind of place they want to be. Always remember that the time when it is most important to give your love is the time they make it really tough to do so." Lorraine Thomas

RESOLUTION:

I will not let my children bully me into buying them things I can't afford.

"Parents should not feel guilty for not having a bottomless purse and can actually help their kids see they can't always have everything.

"When you say no, it may help to talk to your child about why. It could be that you can't afford it, or that you only just bought them something the week before. If you feel put on the spot don't feel under pressure to say yes, tell them you will come back to them with a decision so you can work out what you can afford and what you are willing to pay - warn them that if they pester you, you will automatically say no."

Sue Ormesher

"Children are skilled and determined. They can wear down even the strongest parent. Remember there are good reasons for saying no... You care about your children and usually you will be saying no because it is in their interest. Children want boundaries, they help them feel secure and valued. You're teaching them a valuable lesson, you're showing your child that sometimes it's good to say no. You want them to grow up with the confidence to say no to things they believe are wrong - to drink, to drugs, to early sex or getting into trouble."

Lorraine Thomas

RESOLUTION:

I will motivate and encourage my children to do better at their school work.

"When parents take an active interest in their children's schoolwork it can really help them to do well. Many parents can be anxious about approaching the school when there is a problem, but many schools are now making a real effort to encourage an open environment, where they work in partnership with parents.

"Many parents also want to help with their children's schoolwork but can find it tricky because teaching methods have changed so much. Some schools run workshops for parents to show how particular subjects such as numeracy are taught. Parents can also help their children by giving them a chance to talk about their schoolwork and by helping them to take responsibility for organising and doing their homework.

"Things like providing a quiet space for children to do their homework and encouraging them to keep to a routine and get plenty of sleep and a healthy diet, all help children to do well at school." Sue Ormesher

FINAL THOUGHT:

"Don't try to be the perfect parent. Neither the perfect parent nor the perfect child exists. If there's only one resolution you stick to in 2008, make it Go for connection not perfection with your children'." Lorraine Thomas