ALL too often when parents split up, it's the children who suffer as much, if not more, than anyone.
But many parents find it hard to look at the situation from their children 's perspective, and instead treat them as a possession in the split.
However, what 's almost universally the case, say Nick and Karen Woodall, authors of a new book on separated parenthood,Putting Children First, is the fact that both parents want what 's best for the children.
"Increasingly, both parents continue to be involved in their children 's lives after separation," Nick says."If it 's done positively, that can be a real benefit to the children, but it can have a negative effect if there 's conflict."
"Children can experience a wide range of problems when their parents separate like feeling responsible, or believing they can get their parents back together," adds Karen."There 's a huge psychological challenge for them, and parental conflict will make it worse."
The Woodalls run the Centre for Separated Parents in York, and have included techniques they employ at the centre in their book.These include tips on how parents can spot that children aren 't coping with the separation.
"They 'll look for the reason it 's happened, and try to use lots of reunification tactics to try to get their parents back together," says Karen."It should be the parents taking responsibility for the situation.Children have to remain as children."
And what can make things even worse, she says, is when the children are used as an emotional weapon.
"Parents quite often feel the child simply belongs to them.The child becomes the centre ground, and it 's an incredibly difficult thing for parents to unpick.
"The child is the physical embodiment of the love between two people, and when the love has gone,it 's easy to see how one parent wants to remove the child from the influence of the other.
"One of the hardest things we have to do is to get parents to separate the end of their adult relationship from the ongoing relationship they have with their children."
The Woodalls warn that parents are often unaware of the effect their conflict is having on their children.Signs that a young child isn 't coping with the separation can range from bed-wetting, nightmares and tantrums to behavioural regression.
Five to 11-year-olds may try to manage ' the parent left behind, while teenagers can react by rejecting one or both parents.
Nick says:"Children need to articulate their own concerns and fears about the separation.We try to get parents to focus on what it 's like for the children."
Parents can encourage younger children to use storytelling and drawing to express themselves, and it 's vital that mum and dad try to communicate with each other about their children, finding out things as simple as the good work they've done at school, for example.
The book includes strategies to reduce conflict over issues such as contact, and gives ideas on parenting plans and meetings, scripted phone calls and even co-operative parenting contracts '.
"We 're trying to get parents to think clearly about what they 're doing," says Nick."It 's not just about reducing conflict, it 's about getting both parents as emotionally involved as they should be with their children."
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